It was Janus, a mythical king of early Rome who started the whole thing off. He had two faces (not metaphorically like modern day Kings/politicians but he really had two), which meant he could look into the past as well as the future. Apart from failing to tell us not to change our Euros into HUF, he also became the ancient symbol of resolutions and the fella you referred to when looking for forgiveness from your enemies in pre-Christian Rome.
Enough of the pseudo-historical not very well researched filler, you might say. But as every other magazine usually at this time of year thinks it’s a good idea to give you advice on how to keep your New Year’s Resolutions, we thought we’d start one resolution early and not follow the standard magazine trajectory but do something different. It is also, of course, tradition to break resolutions, it becomes especially easy to do this when breaking another resolution – namely not to write when drunk – thus here is our 100% original guide on how to make resolutions in a way so that you will keep them.
Step 1. Be realistic. Set achievable goals. You’re a bit slow. Don’t aim at a promotion, just aim at not getting fired.
Step 2. Be specific. Don’t say, “I want to do better at work.” Say “I want to download hardcore pornography on my work mate’s computer when they are on their lunch so they get sacked and I get their job.”
Step 3. Break up big goals into small ones. If you’re an investment banker and are now destitute and homeless, don’t think about becoming rich again. Decide if you want to be a glue-sniffer or a wino to get yourself through the winter on the streets.
Step 4. Find alternatives to the bad behavior you want to change. One might say, “I want to stop stealing funny lines from other places and make up my own.”
Step 5. Aim for things important to you, not others. You’re wife/husband/mother-in-law wants you to get promoted and “do something with your life”, you want to sit at home eating Sugar Puff sandwiches watching Red Dwarf on repeat. Find a way to legitimately do it.